There is a lot of cliché advice out there but most of it is sanitized pabulum.  It is the empty feel good stuff.  You don’t have to think too much, you don’t have to do anything differently, you don’t have to do any heavy lifting.  Apparently, it tells parents and societal helpers what they want to hear free of controversy, conflict or the need to change the status quo.

A great example of this is when we are told that it is a good idea for families to have meal time together.  And then the authors cite all the benefits of sitting down together.  Or the big push for mentors and how just hanging out with kids can turn their lives around.

The fact is that a number of large studies on mentoring conclude that mentoring in and of itself isn’t all that effective.  It is much more than the relationship and simply being ourselves.  If mentors are not active change agents, engaging kids in a new way of thinking, provoking them to relish the exploration of the unknown, motivating them to question the suffocation of their own little boxes, teaching them to welcome and thrive in the unpredictable, then what’s the point?

The family sitting down to eat together and perpetuating all the negative patterns of behavior is useful how?  If I have a captive audience and I don’t use the precious time for something extraordinary, then it is just another notch on the belt of mediocrity.  Sis-boom-bah.

Are we really that frightened of mixing it up with the kids?  We need someone to let us off the hook with the emptiness of “why can’t we all just get along?”  It is not always about taking the path of least resistance.  Sometimes it is about cooking up something unforseen, experimental, pioneering and outside our own limited, protective little shells.  Bon appétit.

1) When your emotions are driving the car and your brains are in the backseat, you are halfway there.  Kids love family situations where parents are easily swayed by emotional impulses and the gray matter is missing in action.  It is fertile ground for manipulation, seduction, diversion and distraction.  The problem is that when the kids are out in the world, needing to make critical decisions, they end up on the short end or worse because mommy and daddy have not taught them how to think.  Then when something bad happens, M & D are upset.

2) When someone outside the family offers an honest appraisal about the nonsense going on at home that passes for family norms, and the family defense system clicks in and shoots the messenger from the sky.  Burning up your allies is the other half of a dsyfunctional existence.  It ends up with mutual assured destruction where family members get no feedback and suffocate on their own recycled patterns of behavior.  Clinging to the piece of wood in the middle of the ocean seems like a good idea (maybe the only idea) at the time.  But at some point, when you’re not paying attention, the waterlogged salvation becomes the anchor that carries you to the bottom.

Thoughtful, effective parenting is often paradoxical. For example, you need to be both the immovable force and totally flexible. It is not a contradiction; it is a necessity. The kids need the power of your conviction and they need to be certain that you are the leader of the pack. While they will fight against your strength, it is good practice for them but they will not win. Who better to teach them then the ones who love them and are invested in them becoming sharp and courageous and tenacious. But then they want to put you in the box by setting the agenda and making up the rules and deciding what they will and won’t do. And your flexibility will make that impossible. You will always be a few steps ahead. So here’s a suggestion about how you can demonstrate the paradox. There will be some fierce battles with the kids. Of course they will battle you, you are the immovable force. But then sometime during the battle (maybe at the peak of anger) you will show them your flexible hips. You will call a truce. You will arrange for some family fun. You will declare time off from the battle. You will enjoy each other. And then the battle will continue…

It is reported that Karl Menninger was very tough on his new medical students at the Menninger Clinic. He would ask them repeatedly, “what is the most important thing you will ever do as a physician?” His young students came up with all kinds of answers about therapeutic relationships, understanding new procedures, staying current with the science. So he asked them again, “what is the most important thing you will ever do?” And there was silence. He continued, “you must make the right diagnosis. If you make the wrong diagnosis, everything you do after that will make the situation worse.” I am convinced that most parents know what is going on in their family. But we have been schooled to not trust our instincts and intuition and told that the experts know better. It is not true. And we are the experts for our families.