Worth another look…

If I dress my dog up to look like a duck and try to get everyone to believe it’s a duck, it would be foolish.  But every single day I work with kids who talk about how they have changed when in fact they have only temporarily modified their “appearance” and soon they will return to the same self-defeating behavior that caused the problems in the first place.  I remind them that the definition of behavior change is: when old behavior is gone forever and replaced with new behavior.  I tell them that when this has happened they won’t have to sell me or anyone.  We will all know…

Thousands of times I have heard these words: “If I knew what to do (to change), I would do it.”  This is not true.  There are many times we know exactly what to do and we do not do it.  Families (like individuals) are programmed to resist change.  The family thermostat is set at the “comfort zone”.  Any action, no matter how well intentioned, that pushes the family outside the zone is met with all kinds of elaborate defense systems, offensive weapons and plain and simple opposition.  “I cannot do what you suggest.  I am not powerful enough to change my kid’s behavior.  I’ve tried everything.  It must be a chemical imbalance.  You can’t just do things differently because someone tells you to.  His father and I just see it differently.  They will grow out of it.  It’s because of the divorce.”

If you could step outside the situation, just for a moment, you would see how nonsensical this is but at ground level it seems sort of reasonable.  All these well practiced assertions are designed to keep families in the comfort zone and justify the inability to change.  So family members are left to modify and then return to the same old self-defeating behavior.  At least it’s comfortable, right?

1) There are “at-risk” kids and other kids

2) Parents can change the behavior of their children without changing their own behavior first.

I consult with a number of organizations and have occasion to talk with people all over the country. I frequently hear the term “at-risk” as a label that certain kids get and others do not. I have to censor the first four or five responses that come to mind and usually verbalize the sixth, “Are you nuts?” All kids are at risk. Let me repeat that: all of our kids are risk.

We have been sold a bill of goods. Parents are told they are not the ones who have to change. They are too often enabled to stay the same. They are told someone else will change their children. A specialist. It is not true. We do have to change if we want a healthier situation at home. We must then take absolute responsibility for changing the behavior of our children.

I, for one, believe parents have the answers. They never hire me to tell them what to think. They hire me to get them energized and focused so they can do what they know they need to do. Becoming a parentwarrior is the ultimate prevention strategy for the family. Concerned parents become confident and powerful parents. They stop actions that do not work. They put a stop to the at-risk behavior and negative thought processes of their children. They enlist only those who support this and dismiss those who would tell them lies.