This is not about weight…It is about fattening up our kids’ needs list with a bunch of crap they don’t really need.  It is about giving our kids too much permission too soon and fattening up their belief that they are entitled to do whatever they want whenever they want.  It is about a cultural shift that is based on overindulgence and it is wreaking havoc with an entire generation.  And then when they don’t get the goodies or the permission, they respond with tantrums, conduct problems, learned helplessness, threats and an assortment of other weird behavior based on the cognitive distortion that it is their birthright to be the center of the family and they are to be taken care of in the style they have become accustomed to.  Now what do we do?

What if the best ways to parent haven’t been invented yet?

You walk into a technology company and announce that everything we know about technology is known and nothing new will ever be invented.  They laugh at you, have you escorted out and call you nuts.

But we do that with parenting all the time.  We act as if everything is known and all we have to do is buy the right book, find the definitive research or duplicate the efforts of others.  It is ridiculous.

I saw this ad for a parenting summit.  You were supposed to leave your ego at the door, not be adversarial and the end result would be a unified approach to parenting.  Huh?  Effective parenting requires a damn strong ego and is adversarial by nature.  Kids are going to push back (hopefully) during the process of being taught how to be useful and effective human beings.  And powerful parents are going to push back against a bizarre culture that tells their kids that they are entitled to whatever they want at no cost to them.

Ten years from now we will look back at how people were doing counseling” with families - closed door sessions, 45 minute increments, focused on pathology and diagnoses, reliant on adult medications that were down-sized for kids, never holding kids or parents accountable - and we will laugh.  We will shake our heads at how much we had forsaken personal responsibility and innovation and creativity.  How much we relied on the experts to tell us what to do.  How, despite what we said, we believed everything about parenting was known and nothing new would come from us.

Here’s a thought: the best ways to parent our kids have not been invented yet.  They will be discovered, some day, by parents who are courageously experimenting with change, risking the uncharted territories of human behavior and believing with all their hearts and souls that there has to be a better way.

It is yet another dimension of parenting.  Sometimes kids need to bump up against the immovable force - a force that is constant, intense, unyielding.  Kids need to know that parents are the anchor that will not be pulled loose by anything or anyone.  They will hold firm.  Kids need to do battle with parents who live out a set of principles that have been tried and tested over time and through hardship.  They will not waver in the face of the uncertain.  Kids need to know at important times when they are thrashing around, searching for answers, finding themselves that their parents will be guiding them no matter what.  It is a different kind of unconditional love.

One of the most frequent questions I get from parents is, “Why didn’t someone tell me this before?”  Usually when they say it, they are desperate, angry and feeling betrayed.  Sometimes I tell them that if you keep portraying yourself as fragile then almost no one will tell you the truth.  If your self-worth is so tied to how your kids are doing, who wants to break it to you that you’re not doing a very good job.

On the other hand, there are times when parents are ready and the professionals are weak.  They are too uncomfortable with the tough issues, don’t want to make anyone mad, hiding behind so-called relationship-building and just not doing a very good job.

And then we transplant all this to the family arena where a lack of feedback, honesty and directness really messes things up.  It is fear based  and the kids sense it, take advantage of it and are able to neutralize the effectiveness of their parents.  In a family where this is happening, the kids are allowed to dictate what can be addressed, with whom, when and if.  They set the agenda.  Most important issues are never talked about, conflicts are never resolved and the tough stuff just gets swept under the rug.

After repeatedly drinking from the poisoned well, we are surprised that family members get sick?

Lately, more and more parents have been asking for the magic answer that will transform their families into peaceful and harmonious sanctuaries.  They say they are tired of the conflict, fighting and painful day to day existence.  Hmmm…

For the last two years, I’ve been going to continuing education workshops on psychopharmacology.   I keep hearing about this wonder drug, an antidepressant, which is in clinical trials and supposedly has unbelievable effectiveness with virtually no medical side effects.  I have heard some professionals argue that such a drug should not come to market.  They say its effectiveness could be so great that a person in a bad situation could take the drug, feel okay and not have the “pain” necessary to motivate them to make their situation better.  Hmmm…

So we want to raise our kids pain free but it can’t be too pain free or else we will not have the motivation to change what we are doing and how we are doing it.  Maybe we could have just a little pain (like a little discomfort), enough to get our attention but not enough to hurt too much.  But wait a second.  What if it’s not enough to really propel us to make our situation better?  Then we are just uncomfortably stuck.  Hmmm…

I’m intrigued by the connection that people make between pain and motivation and change.  The logic seems to be that if I’m in enough pain then I will change and if I have no pain then I won’t.  Taken to the absurd, being tortured is then a change agent and peace and harmony is a change killer.  Hmmm…

As for parenting and the process of change in the family, too much pain seems unnecessary and too much peace and harmony might be unwise.

I confront the young one about this or that and it ends up with them copping an attitude.  I’m not about to give in and they are not about to back down.  And then they utter, “When I’m 18…”  Implied is: I can do whatever I want; no one can tell me what to do; I won’t have to put up with your crap.  And they say it like all their problems will be solved.  The doors of the universe will be unlocked and the Red Sea will part.  I’m thinking, you will maybe know a little more than you do now which is not very much but I smile and say, “When will that be?”

You want to teach the kids the skills of time management, prioritizing, negotiation, anticipation, problem-solving, constructively getting their needs met and so on and so on.  It might be quicker and easier this way.

Parents tell their kids they will no longer respond to impulsive requests to do anything, go anywhere, buy things.   They tell the kids that without a reasonable request at least 24 hours in advance then the answer is “No” and will always be No.  And they mean it.  Rocket science, it’s not.  Simply and dramatically changing family patterns, it is.