It is about ownership. It is about being innovative. Having good ideas. Taking risks. Making an investment. Kids who own their lives do better. They take greater responsibility for their destinies. They make better decisions. Know how to earn their way. Understand what it means to build their “business”. The hard work necessary to create something worthwhile will not be torn down easily. They will not simply be tempted to give it all up. We do not casually throw away that which takes blood, sweat and tears. Teach your kids how to own their lives.

Take for example when adults in the family are fighting with each other.   Instead of dealing with their issues, they  end up accusing each other of being too tough on the kid or too enabling.  It is often easier (safer) to deal with the kid stuff then the adult stuff. The kid though doesn’t fall for the smoke and mirrors routine. To him, it is an opportunity to create another triangle or take strategic advantage of the one being offered. The kid allows one adult to become his ally while the other adult becomes the enemy with him in the middle. This particular triangle is a serious mistake. Parents are unable to effectively parent and their relationship continues to worsen through a lack of direct communication. The kid is empowered to be a peer with at least one of the adults. It’s no longer just about geometry. It is the beginning of family disintegration.

Under the guise of supporting each other, it becomes a complaining session and a misery loves company cluster mess. Under the wonderful idea of a parent support group, it becomes something unrecognizable. Instead of being a creative and energizing process, it becomes a rehashing of all the failed techniques and strategies. Shame on us. We should all be forced to make a list of everything we’ve tried with our kids that hasn’t worked (repeatedly) and be made to vow never do those things again. And what’s more, we shouldn’t be allowed to suggest our failed attempts to anyone else. It won’t work for them either. Try something new.

Our child-centric society says it’s all about the kids. They get to think big, plan for the future, reach for the stars. What about parents? We have dreams too.

We are made to feel guilty, selfish for taking time to pursue our interests and passions especially when things at home are going haywire. So many times I hear the frustration, even anger in the voices of parents, “I don’t want to always have to deal with problems. I’m tired of the constant power struggles, the unnecessary back and forth, the short time of my kids doing well and then the blow-ups. It is draining and then there is nothing left for me.”

Just think if you could eliminate most of the exhausting power struggles? What could you do with all the extra time, energy, spirit? parentwarrior is not just about preventive “medicine” for the kids and positive change for the family. It is about parents soaring. Give me a call. Life Coaching works. I’ll help you dream again.

So you lie for the kid. You get them out of trouble by leaving out a little bit of the truth. Seems innocent enough. A natural instinct. And whether you admit it or not, in the back of your mind, you think it buys you something. Loyalty, gratefulness because you helped them out. In a weird sense, they owe you. But then there is the next time when they put you in a situation and expect you to do it again. They are now giving you an opportunity to prove your love and loyalty once more. It is a clever reverse: now, strangely, you owe them. Come on, don’t fall for this nonsense. It is the beginning of yet another virus…

When the behaviorally modified but unchanged pickpocket meets the saint, he still only sees pockets. Every week, I have some kid ask me, “Do you think I have changed?” They know what I’m going to say but they ask anyway. My response is twofold: “If you have to ask me then you probably haven’t. And we will know for sure when old behavior is gone forever and replaced with new behavior.” Modification and change is not the same thing.

It is not just semantics. Parents write me, after buying the Starter Kit, to tell me how they are using the parentwarrior strategies. Almost immediately some of their kid’s negative behavior stops and some positive behavior begins. This would be modification in response to parents doing something different. To mistake it for change would be a big mistake.

Instead this would be a great time to be a skeptic. I tell kids all the time that when they think they have changed to let me know and I will put them to the test. They are now in a positive double bind. When tested, they might very well prove that they will no longer engage in negative behavior because positive behavior has taken root. Or they could fail the test and we will know there is more work to do. Either way, something valuable is learned.

One day your parents will wake up. They will decide to no longer be held hostage by your moodiness, your threats and the emotional blackmail that gets cited as a teenage rite of passage. They will stop wearing how much they can put up with as a badge of honor. They will realize that they are sick of being your chauffeur, maid, accounts payable clerk and toxic waste dump while suffering through your ingratitude and unearned sense of entitlement. They will be ready to declare their independence from the bruising effects of your using them while not wanting to have anything to do with them.

And you lucky kids will have to actually fend for yourselves in ways that could be life-enhancing. You will learn that mediocrity is not a birthright and laziness is not the way most people live. You will create a path for yourself that is not strewn with the need for endless, empty apologies. You will realize that actions have consequences and you cannot always undo the damage done. You might even learn to be responsible human beings with some measure of empathy and thankfulness. One day your parents are going to wake up and it’s going to be your lucky day.

1) There are “at-risk” kids and other kids

2) Parents can change the behavior of their children without changing their own behavior first.

I consult with a number of organizations and have occasion to talk with people all over the country. I frequently hear the term “at-risk” as a label that certain kids get and others do not. I have to censor the first four or five responses that come to mind and usually verbalize the sixth, “Are you nuts?” All kids are at risk. Let me repeat that: all of our kids are risk.

We have been sold a bill of goods. Parents are told they are not the ones who have to change. They are too often enabled to stay the same. They are told someone else will change their children. A specialist. It is not true. We do have to change if we want a healthier situation at home. We must then take absolute responsibility for changing the behavior of our children.

I, for one, believe parents have the answers. They never hire me to tell them what to think. They hire me to get them energized and focused so they can do what they know they need to do. Becoming a parentwarrior is the ultimate prevention strategy for the family. Concerned parents become confident and powerful parents. They stop actions that do not work. They put a stop to the at-risk behavior and negative thought processes of their children. They enlist only those who support this and dismiss those who would tell them lies.

These kids, a whole generation of them, are unable to think on their feet. They have instant this and instant that but put them in a problem-solving situation and they are dumb-founded. And who is supposed to teach them these skills - the teachers, the coaches, the mentors, the ministers. Is there some pill that can be prescribed to make them more capable? Mom and Dad, you are the ones who are supposed to teach them. And it needs to happen at home. By putting them in anxiety-producing, difficult situations at home, they can learn the skills they will need to make split second decisions, under pressure, out in the world. Teach them how to do it, let them practice and then teach some more.