I wait patiently for it to happen upon me, maybe creeping up on me when I least expect it. I am ready to be filled with it so I can accomplish what I need to. It will soon be here to motivate me and push me forward. I can’t wait to receive it because then I will be ready and able to succeed… Is it possible that self-confidence is not the cause of action but the result? Is it possible that I need to chance it and do what I need to do and afterwards when my actions are successful I will have the confidence to take the next step? What happens if I spend my whole life waiting for something that is not going happen until I do something first?

Parents aspire to it. Then inspire your children. No nonsense like “not everyone can be great”. Yes they can. For some kids, graduating high school is the beginning of their quest. For others, it will be Harvard. For some kids, being the best welder is their mission while for others it is something else. Greatness is not about bragging or thinking you are better than someone else. It is about discovery and taking our gifts and talents to the max. It is about looking out into the future and being pumped about what can be. It is about the rousing of potential. It is one of the ultimate parental missions. And if you need a reason, try this: positive aspirations for the future are one of the most powerful protective factors for kids. Find greatness within yourself and then infect your children.

It is counter-intuitive. Praising kids too much, especially the oppositional defiant ones, has the opposite effect you think it will. The kid is doing really well. You fall all over yourself with telling them how great they are doing so they’ll keep doing it and shortly after all the praise, they blow it up. (Keep count how often this happens). Too much pressure and they don’t want to have higher and higher expectations? Success is a pain if you have to keep doing it day in and day out with everyone making such a big deal about it. So they lower the bar by sabotaging success.

It might be better to try a different way. Acknowledge the accomplishment, tell them they did well - once and then move them forward, quietly raising the bar with no fanfare and no more strokes. Let their own momentum carry them. It might be that they won’t fear success if everyone stops making it a big deal. It becomes the norm and not some special occasion.

Finally parents have a legitimate excuse to stop buying their kids all the junk they didn’t need in the first place. They can claim the economy is falling apart, they might not have a job soon, gas prices are high, house prices are losing value and they just cannot afford it. And they can hold their ground against the onslaught from the kids that includes whining, guilt trips, you are “bad parents”, my friends have one and more whining. Be thankful for recession. It has given us the strength we need and apparently did not have when times were good.

The thought of using logic and rationality to get kids to see the light and change their behavior is as bizarre as it is ineffective. Telling them that you don’t want to be treated badly anymore is a waste of time. Instead, you need to shake it up and give them a taste of their own behavior.

Here’s a suggestion: Junior and Missy have been difficult to deal with, disrespectful, unapproachable and demanding. Mom, the main disciplinarian and gateway to the goodies, has had it. She and dad (if you’re a single parent then enlist a friend) decide to switch it up. Mom announces to J & M that because of their behavior she will no longer be the gateway to anything. If they want something, they need to negotiate with their father. J & M protest and tell mom she can’t do that. They say they won’t stand for it. Mom shrugs.

Dad is now the only gateway to everything and he tells Junior and Missy that he’s not much in the mood to negotiate with them and he thinks they already have too many goodies. He tells them to schedule a time to talk to him and maybe something can be worked out, next week. He reminds them that he must receive something of equal or greater value if they intend to get something from him. J & M are confused, disbelieving and angry. They try to manipulate mom but it’s a nonstarter; she’s busy with other things.

A little taste of what it is like to be on the other end of their behavior. It’s effective medicine.

It seems obvious enough. When our solution doesn’t work but we keep trying it over and over again (as if it were going to work) eventually it becomes the problem. Here are some common parenting solutions that often create bigger problems than the original problem they were meant to solve:

Reasoning with the kid when they are being completely unreasonable

Telling her to do it or else (the ultimatum) with no backup plan

Forcing him to be responsible so he’ll see the light

Trying to be fair and do what is “right”

Bribing them as some kind of compromise

Taking privileges and possessions away without a purpose

Getting frustrated and doing it yourself

Trying to understand the kid’s lack of responsiveness

Repeatedly giving them the benefit of the doubt

Allowing them to control the situation by playing victim

And you can make your own list of things you do over and over again with the kids that have no chance of success. When we do this, it makes us look silly and emboldens the kids to up the ante with ever increasing defiance and attempts to dictate what they will and won’t do. So in the game of life (and effective parenting is a mental game), parentwarriors eliminate the moves that do not work and pursue the moves that do. That is the real solution.