I get the comments: “you’re too raw; you’re too negative; you’re too tough on parents; you blame parents too much”. No! I respect parents enough to tell them the truth, as I see it, and not jerk their chain about how everything will be great if they just talk to the kids, reason with them, praise them, count to three, become the most valuable parent and mommy CEO. In many families, they are beyond that. The kids are in control, the parents are not and if the parents think the kids are going to just give in, they are hallucinating. This is a war of behavior. To not deal with this reality is irresponsible. You can spend ten years in psychoanalysis trying to figure out how it got like this or you can do something about it. The operative word is: YOU. I respect parents enough to hold them to a high standard (that is what they expect from me). At some point, it is no longer about getting more information (that is a copout). At some point, it is about taking the action that we know we must take. And sometimes we need someone to give us a good, swift kick in the ass. That’s my job.

I have never understood the need for parents to be friends with their kids. Is it the easy way out? Do we believe that the kids will be more honest with us about what is going on with them? Do we need to be known as the “cool parent”? Let me offer a perspective as a step-parent and as someone who has spent thousands of hours listening to kids talk about what is going on with them. Breaking down parent-child boundaries (adult/child boundaries) is one of the most dangerous behaviors that parents engage in. Whatever soothing explanations we concoct in our heads to justify doing this doesn’t make it any less cancerous. It ultimately creates havoc at home because it renders our authority worthless. But that’s only the beginning. The kids go out into the world thinking that other adults will want to form friendships with them. Most adults in the world won’t get it and they will answer the kids with a resounding “who in the heck do you think you are?” The teachers, the supervisors, the bosses, the powers that be have no interest in being friends with your kids. And the kids will be upset that the way it is at home is not the way it is in the world. Will they blame themselves or their parents or those that have rejected their overtures of friendship? But that’s not the worst part. There will be some adults out there that will get it. Those are the ones who are the most dangerous. They will see the desire for friendship and they will use it as a way into the heads of your kids. They will spot the broken down boundaries and they will enter in person, via the internet and in ways that you cannot even imagine…

You are driving along, looking around, being a cautious driver and thump. A pothole rattles the car. A few weeks later, you are driving around, thinking about the to do list, kids in the back seat and thump, another pothole… the 2 year-old is standing up on his chair at the dinner table. His dad tells him to sit down. He, exercising free will, refuses. Dad sits him down and spontaneously out of the mouth of his pride and joy comes, “bad daddy”. Daddy is a little rattled. Where did his 2 year-old learn that those words would sting? One of those potholes on the yellow brick road. The maneuvering has started and it should be an attention-getter… there are a whole lot of twenty something parents out there in the world with young children and they are committed to not losing their edge (they are young parentwarriors). They are recognizing early that they need to be aware. They are not going to keep driving over the same potholes. They are definitely not going to just drive around them. They will fill them in, repave if necessary, because hey, it’s their road.

Thoughtful, effective parenting is often paradoxical. For example, you need to be both the immovable force and totally flexible. It is not a contradiction; it is a necessity. The kids need the power of your conviction and they need to be certain that you are the leader of the pack. While they will fight against your strength, it is good practice for them but they will not win. Who better to teach them then the ones who love them and are invested in them becoming sharp and courageous and tenacious. But then they want to put you in the box by setting the agenda and making up the rules and deciding what they will and won’t do. And your flexibility will make that impossible. You will always be a few steps ahead. So here’s a suggestion about how you can demonstrate the paradox. There will be some fierce battles with the kids. Of course they will battle you, you are the immovable force. But then sometime during the battle (maybe at the peak of anger) you will show them your flexible hips. You will call a truce. You will arrange for some family fun. You will declare time off from the battle. You will enjoy each other. And then the battle will continue…

I get a lot of questions about using the word virus. It is a great metaphor. So often our attempted solutions (cures), which we do over and over again, do not work and the situation gets worse. It becomes one crisis after another and spreads to every member of the family. The little kids are infected by watching the big kids and the virus becomes more complex, camouflaged and begets even stronger viruses. Adult relationships get injured with arguments about what to do. The kids are in the middle watching, learning, taking advantage, feeding the disagreements. Before you know it, it has spread to the next generation. If you can think of a better metaphor to describe these destructive patterns of behavior, let me know.

It has been a fascinating week. I’ve had a number of parent coaching sessions with parents who spontaneously say, “I get it.” Much like William’s mother in the parentwarrior Starter Kit, they just know that it is time to do things differently. For some, they have simply had enough and they’re tired of being doormats. For others, it is the glimpse they get of their child’s potential and they want to be the ones to bring that out. They decide they are not going to be afraid to confront the bad stuff and they will be the first ones to applaud the success of their children. And it all starts with them recognizing that “change starts with me.”