If you believe the media’s portrayal of us adults, we are not very intelligent, articulate or capable. The kids, on the other hand, are slick and manipulative and able to outsmart their feeble-minded parents to get whatever it is they want. While it might be funny for awhile, and maybe it sells stuff, it also reinforces this crazy notion that the kids are in control and parents are not. It is unfortunately an accurate portrayal of where our culture has gone with its child-centric focus. Making kids the center of the universe and parents second class citizens is unhealthy. If it were true, it would be disastrous, especially for the kids. So as we are laughing at all the ads and sitcoms that bombard us every day, we should remind ourselves and be thankful of the fact it is not true.

I received a note a few days ago from a mother who shared a powerful story about her oldest son. His younger brother was killed in an accident. The family was devastated by the loss. Her oldest son lost not only his brother but his best friend. His behavior became increasingly oppositional and “challenging” leading to some bad choices and poor school performance. “I knew he would fall back on how unfair life was to him and how everyone should feel sorry for him.” But his parents decided to hold him accountable for his best even under the worst of circumstances. They kept their expectations high and asserted their authority when necessary. His mother went on to say, “Of course we provide tons of love but I refuse to let him “excuse” his way out of things because the world does not operate that way. If he wants to be successful and live up to his potential he has to take responsibility for his decisions. He is doing so much better now. We are all still grieving and probably will indefinitely but I hope that I have given him something to hold onto instead of giving up.”

It is reported that Karl Menninger was very tough on his new medical students at the Menninger Clinic. He would ask them repeatedly, “what is the most important thing you will ever do as a physician?” His young students came up with all kinds of answers about therapeutic relationships, understanding new procedures, staying current with the science. So he asked them again, “what is the most important thing you will ever do?” And there was silence. He continued, “you must make the right diagnosis. If you make the wrong diagnosis, everything you do after that will make the situation worse.” I am convinced that most parents know what is going on in their family. But we have been schooled to not trust our instincts and intuition and told that the experts know better. It is not true. And we are the experts for our families.

When you are dealing with the kids and you are giving them a directive but the lilt in your voice makes it sound like there’s a question mark at the end then you’re in for a power struggle. The kids hearing the question mark at the end think it is now question and answer time, a reason to ask why, an opportunity to manipulate, a situation where they have a choice. No, it was a directive. You were telling them what to do not asking a question. But the punctuation at the end messed it up. That’s on you. Punctuation matters. So if you are asking them a question, by all means end it with a question mark? If you are giving them a directive, say it like you mean it and end it with an exclamation point! I’ll bet you there will be fewer power struggles. Your move…

Years ago, it was the little kid in the back of the car with her parents in the front seat. She repeatedly annoyed them and they were unable to get her to stop. So finally they go through the McDonald’s drive-in and get her a Happy Meal and a big, tall milk shake. And it quiets her. But now she is all “grown-up” and it’s going to take more than a Happy Meal to appease her. It might be demands for an i-phone or some other expensive gadget or hundred dollar jeans? Do you think she realizes that we might be in a recession and that in order for mom and dad to pay the inflation adjusted bribe they are going to need Cramer’s Mad Money and the entire Fast Money team. But for her it is not about economics. It is about control. If I can just annoy them enough or make them feel guilty or withdraw my love, they’ll pay up. What do you think mom and dad? To keep her happy it’s worth tapping into the retirement fund. (Hey, I’m just kidding. Put the pen down and step away from the checkbook.)

You’re gathered around the holiday dinner table with extended family and friends. About ten minutes into the meal, the teenagers are squirming and fidgeting and almost jumping out of their seats. It looks like some group grand mal seizure but you quickly realize it is all the vibrating cell phones going off with life-shattering text messages and urgent voice mails that require immediate attention. It is just ridiculous. But you know what is even more ridiculous: the fact that we have come to accept this as normal and none of the adults was able to muster the courage to tell the kids to turn those damn things off and join the family for what has become a rare occasion… Oh, but we didn’t want to create a conflict or cause grandma any stress. And you don’t think the kids know that they have you one-down. Admit it or not, it is just another symptom of the virus with the kids running the show and adults rationalizing their lame behavior.

I recently facilitated a parentwarrior group with parents who are committed to leading their families. We got to talking about the lack of honest feedback out there and how much of the information is of no use to them because it has been watered down so as not to offend anyone. The majority opinion within the group was this: we have this awesome responsibility of raising our kids and sometimes we need feedback in order to be more effective. When people beat around the bush and water things down, as if we can’t handle the truth, it doesn’t help. We can take it full strength and quite frankly anything less is disrespectful.