Every day I hear this nonsense.  “You cannot change someone”, they say, “You have to wait until they are ready.”  It is bizarre and cowardly and yet another way of getting out of taking action.  My favorite mind screw is, “They have to hit bottom first and then they will be ready to change.”

What if they are traveling at 100 mph when they hit bottom?  Will they bounce?  So here’s the terrifying question for all you parents out there that want to do the wait and see crap or it will get better with time or they’ll grow out of it.  How will that sound when you bury them?

What will you do after the tragedy when you find out that you could have done something?  What if I’m right and the conventional wisdom is wrong?  Shouldn’t you at least consider the possibility?  And the downside of taking change-producing action is what?  You are going to make the situation worse?  Give me a break.  Have some guts.  Change the kids for the better.  They will not bounce.

Hey, guess what parents?  Most of what your kids know, how they interact with the world, the veracity of what they say and do is largely based upon what they learn from you.  Whether it is genetics, imitation, observation or whatever, you are the beacon for how to live.  It is, I suppose, a practice what you preach thing but that sounds like a dumb cliche.

When asked how her son is doing, mom starts to say, “He’s doing fine” but then catches herself and says, “What am I saying.  He isn’t doing fine.  It has been a horrible week.  Two trips to the principal’s office and a lot of angry behavior at home.”  Now she is not saying this to the behavior police.  She is saying it to someone she is paying to help the family get better.  And her son is standing by her side.

What’s wrong with us?  Part of the human condition seems to be this limbo-land of half-truth.  Count the times during a given day when you water stuff down, use “diplomacy” as a reason to be less than honest, maneuver around the delicate egos of others, purposely decide you cannot tell the whole truth, actually practice deception.  I’ll bet it is a significant number.

For sure, we cannot just tell each other the unadulterated truth.  It would be too much to handle and we are not really cut out for it.  It does though put us in an interesting predicament when we are raising the children.  Should they believe what we tell them about how we expect them to live or should they believe what they see us do?  Talk about confusing.  When we are born, probably right after the umbilical cord cutting, we should be given a decoder ring.

After 27 years of doing mental health counseling and life coaching, I’ve lost count of how many adults erupted in sessions when they realized that no one in their life had ever expected the very best from them.  No one, not even their parents, loved them enough, cared enough to push them to become somebody.

Their conclusion: Something is wrong with me.  I’m not good enough.  I don’t deserve to be successful, to be loved.  I have no real place or purpose in the world.  I do not really matter.

The ultimate disrespect is to expect too little…

“They are not going to give back what they have been wrongly given.  The power and control that is in the hands of your children will be misused, abused and will lead them in a direction you do not want them to go.  Know it or not, you are in a war of behavior; changing your own and stopping theirs.  The health of your family is at stake.  And it all begins in your home.  That is the battleground.” parentwarrior Starter Kit

At wits end, you buy the latest book on handling angry and defiant children and follow it to the letter.  It works - for a couple of weeks.  Then your child’s behavior actually gets worse.  Your child is now on medication number four because the doctor has told you this one will work and the school has said something must be done to address the impulsive behavior that is causing so many problems and resulting in numerous trips to the principal’s office.

You have endless discussions with the kid about how this kind of behavior cannot continue.  They appear contrite and you are thinking that there has been some connecting of the dots for them.  Soon after, they put a big can of mental and emotional whup-ass on you and tell you that they are acting like this because you have failed as a parent.  You, for god knows what reason, entertain the possibility that this might be true.  Following this moment of self-doubt, which the kid immediately picks up, your face gets rubbed in the next guilt trip, manipulation and self-centered power tactic.

You fail to recognize that your child is operating in guerrilla warfare mode where there are no rules, boundaries or civilized niceties.  You still want to be the role model for conflict free parenting where all manner of disagreements will be solved with calm discussions and reasonableness.  While they are beating your brains out with war-like precision, you are pleading for rational goodwill and humanitarian values.  And then, they really get worse.

You must completely change your thinking about what your role is and how it will get lived out.  If you are unwilling to go to war (and win) with the childrens’ behavior, they are going to wreck family life and then use their strategies out in the world where they unwittingly will become the victims of their own boundaryless existence.  If you keep doing it by the book, you are going to lose the war and your children (and you) will suffer.

One of the most frequent questions I get from parents is, “Why didn’t someone tell me this before?”  Usually when they say it, they are desperate, angry and feeling betrayed.  Sometimes I tell them that if you keep portraying yourself as fragile then almost no one will tell you the truth.  If your self-worth is so tied to how your kids are doing, who wants to break it to you that you’re not doing a very good job.

On the other hand, there are times when parents are ready and the professionals are weak.  They are too uncomfortable with the tough issues, don’t want to make anyone mad, hiding behind so-called relationship-building and just not doing a very good job.

And then we transplant all this to the family arena where a lack of feedback, honesty and directness really messes things up.  It is fear based  and the kids sense it, take advantage of it and are able to neutralize the effectiveness of their parents.  In a family where this is happening, the kids are allowed to dictate what can be addressed, with whom, when and if.  They set the agenda.  Most important issues are never talked about, conflicts are never resolved and the tough stuff just gets swept under the rug.

After repeatedly drinking from the poisoned well, we are surprised that family members get sick?

Three things strike me about kids and the information they absorb from their parents: 1) How much information they can absorb without ever appearing to be listening. 2) How frequently the information is then taken out of context and misinterpreted. 3) How often the misinformation is used as ammunition to get what they want. It seems that in the quest for self-gratification they have no problem with extortion, blackmail and emotional hostage-taking. Ouch!

Now is not the right time… He knows how I feel… This is too hard to deal with… I need more time to think about how to approach her… It will mean too much conflict… He won’t love me anymore… I can deal with that later… I need to choose my words carefully… Tomorrow is another day… I don’t want to rock the boat… It’s not a good time to deal with this… Other things are more important… There will be another chance…

The list is endless. We have so many convenient explanations for procrastinating. And the goof-ball excuses that we use to justify inaction. But it could simply be arrogance. It is pretty damn arrogant to always believe I’m going to get a second chance to say or do what needs to be said and done.

“Optimal motivation presupposes an alert readiness to be dissatisfied with things as they are and a freedom to confront one’s environment without excessive fear combined with the confidence in one’s capacities to persist in the face of obstacles.” That is a mouthful.

There are millions of parents who are knocking on this door. They are tired of how it is going at home. They do not like it. They are sick of being treated badly by the kids who they feed, clothe, shelter and love. Once freed from the myth that “there is nothing I can do”, they gather the strength to confront the behavior and tell their kids that this is going to stop. No longer fearful about “alienating the children”, “not being loved” and “being a bad parent”, they take action and gain confidence by changing how the family works.

These bold parents turn life at home right-side up. They talk to each other about a new way. They vow never to go back and just to make sure they blow up the bridge to old behavior. It is a revolution.

They make families sick. The negative behavior viruses are embedded in the software. They have camouflaged themselves and often avoid diagnosis. They are insidious and spread from family member to family member through seemingly insignificant interactions. Wrongheaded attempts at treatment often make the viruses stronger and more stealth.

A couple of examples: The family is out at a restaurant. The kids are treating the waitress badly and the parents do not tell them to knock it off. Are the parents unable to confront the inappropriate behavior? Their silence and inaction are taken as permission, acceptance, powerlessness? Are the parents oblivious to what is going on? If the parents were confronted about their lack of intervention, would they make excuses for the kids’ behavior, defend it, justify it as “a phase”? While this appears to be an innocent occurrence, it is not. It sets up multiple viruses and leads the kids to a false sense of reality and a bizarre belief in their own entitlement. And it renders parents impotent.

The teenager is confronted about a bad decision that has a host of negative consequences for him and the family. The kid’s response is, “It just happened.” And no one calls him on this insanity. He would have us believe that he is a random being with no control over what he does. Usually when kids answer my questions like this I tell them I will either have them arrested and locked up or committed to a psychiatric facility. If they do not know what will happen next and they cannot control it, they are by definition a potential danger to themselves and others. The explanation of randomness is a terrible virus. Letting someone get away with such an explanation is even worse.

Beware of the smart viruses. They quietly destroy from within.

Take for example when adults in the family are fighting with each other.   Instead of dealing with their issues, they  end up accusing each other of being too tough on the kid or too enabling.  It is often easier (safer) to deal with the kid stuff then the adult stuff. The kid though doesn’t fall for the smoke and mirrors routine. To him, it is an opportunity to create another triangle or take strategic advantage of the one being offered. The kid allows one adult to become his ally while the other adult becomes the enemy with him in the middle. This particular triangle is a serious mistake. Parents are unable to effectively parent and their relationship continues to worsen through a lack of direct communication. The kid is empowered to be a peer with at least one of the adults. It’s no longer just about geometry. It is the beginning of family disintegration.