No more could haves, should haves, might of, if only, etc. All that mental trickery and wishful thinking produces paralysis. It does you no good and leaves your kids leaderless which then becomes part of the problem. It is about now, forward. Until they (or you) are dead, change is possible. I work with a number of parents who are still trying to get it right with their late teen, twenty-something kids who are back home because life knocked the crap out of them the first time out of the nest. The time to question assumptions, become aware of what keeps you stuck, experiment with new ways of raising your kids is now - in the present. The kids can recover from your mistakes but you need to own them, stop making them and do something entirely different. And with all due respect, if the 7 year-old or 16 year-old is running the show, you have made mistakes. Once and for all, you need to stop actions that have failed to get results. You need to declare your independence from the past, suck it up, switch gears, abandon what does not work, risk uncharted territory and run the family.

There is a lot of cliché advice out there that sounds good but it is just sanitized pabulum. It’s the empty feel good stuff. The rah-rah cheerleader chants. You don’t have to think too much, you don’t have to do anything differently; you don’t need to do any heavy lifting. It, apparently, tells parents what they want to hear so there is no controversy, conflict or need to change the status quo. Here’s an example: it is a good idea for families to have meal time together (and then they quote all the tremendous benefits of simply eating together). It’s much like all the ads about mentors and how beneficial just hanging out is supposed to be for kids. Some of the larger studies on mentoring indicate that mentoring in and of itself isn’t all that effective. It is more than just the relationship. It is what happens within the mentoring relationship that motivates kids to make positive changes in their lives that makes the difference. It is about skill-building, learning to navigate the unpredictable, finding humor in the absurd situations that life throws at us and the mechanics of problem-solving which is essential for success. So to, it is much more than just sitting down and having a meal together. If eating together perpetuates all the negative behavior patterns, it is not beneficial. If parents take an active role in listening, responding, educating, establishing new, healthy patterns then it can be beneficial. If it becomes a way to teach kids about balanced meals, it’s useful. If it offers a chance to talk about current events (anyone notice how detached kids are from what goes on around them), could be good. If it brings on some genuine belly laughs at the uniqueness of “our” family, good stuff. If it provokes lively give and take, some real dialogue and motivates kids to develop a point of view, now we’re talking. The parent revolution is not about empty feel good, rah-rah or more clichés. It is about using every opportunity to prepare our children by helping them build a strong sense of self, family and the world around them. Thankfully it means a measure of controversy, conflict, interruption of the status quo and the beginning of new behavior. It requires expanded thought, creative action and heavy lifting. Bon appétit.

Is it just me misperceiving what’s going on or does the younger generation wander around with a sense of entitlement that is inflated way beyond what’s healthy? They say, “I deserve respect. I have a right to come and go as I please. You owe me because I did what I was suppose to do. Because you love me, you have to do this.” On and on it goes. Where did they learn this weird and twisted view of how the world works? Is it useful for kids to believe that because they exist, suck up air, look pretty that everyone is supposed to kiss their butts? They believe it because we’ve taught them that they are entitled to, in essence, something for nothing. Free admission. No charge. All the goodies and opportunities just fall from the sky. All they have to do is just be. It is like some existential nightmare that adults have created, reinforce every day and justify with “I want my kids to have a better life.” But there comes a time when you feel taken for granted, used and abused and unappreciated. Guess what? You are. When you give them a free pass to anything they want and then try to charge them later, they rightly tell you, “it’s unfair”. And when you protest, it looks ridiculous and sounds like you are now the child. So do them and yourselves a favor. Love them unconditionally and then “charge” for everything else.

Soon-to-be 16 year-old James, from the website bio page, is still earning his way into the program. Despite his oppositional defiant behavior (ODD), attention deficit hyperactivity (ADHD) symptoms and a host of crappy, learned behaviors, he is beginning to change. He has been able to acknowledge that there are authorities greater than him and that submission is a learned skill not the result of being overpowered.

Four years ago, the program adopted the parentwarrior philosophy and is transforming the lives of high-risk and troubled youth. The philosophy is simple and complex: negative pattens of behavior are confronted in ways that are creative, intense and ingenious and the resourcefulness of human beings (staff, kids, parents, referral sources) is unleashed so they can experiment with new behavior. It is simply the philosophy of change and it touches everyone. The complexity may be in the multi-layered process.

The program is confrontational but not in the yelling, in-your-face, scared straight way. It is confrontational in the sense that kids must deal with their stuff and are not allowed to blame parents, genetics, teachers, society, alcohol, drugs or anything else. They have to own their behavior, own their lives and the demands are constant. You would think a program like this would drive kids away. In fact, it has the highest attendance and retention rate of any program of its kind in the nation. It engages them because the reality is that these kids (most kids) want to live differently despite all their protests, manipulations and learned nonsense.

(Someone wrote me the other day and called parentwarrior a movement. It is. Parents are stepping up to assume responsibility and move outside the comfort zone. Professionals are using the strategies and seeing the effectiveness. And our kids are the beneficiaries because they have the opportunity to (as James said) “be successful” without getting in their own way so much.)

On July 7th, James will have earned the privilege of entering the program having “survived” a series of strategic and therapeutic ordeals. He will be a happy young man. Along the way, his mother has changed and no longer tolerates his angry, blaming and damaging behavior. She does not make excuses for him. She leads the family. The parentwarrior ripple effect continues on.

I know I’m in a camp almost by myself but I continue to believe people can change people. What I hear most days from clients and colleagues is that “you cannot change anyone”, “you have to wait until someone is ready”, and my favorite, “they have to hit bottom first.” I think this is absolutely bizarre. What if they are traveling at 100 mph when they hit bottom? I think it will be more like splat than bounce.

So my terrible question is this: what if after something tragic happens you find out that it is possible to change people? What if I’m right? Shouldn’t you at least consider the possibility? And if you err on the side of taking change-producing action and it doesn’t work, what have you lost? But if it does work, you may save a precious life that otherwise would be lost. I can’t believe people would cling to some wrongheaded assumption and not take the risk.

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Tiger Woods has been in the news this week. So also has Tim Russert (may he rest in peace). Both reached the top of their professions. Both had tough parents who pushed hard. And there are many mere mortals out there who have accomplished greatness in large and small ways. And I would be willing to bet that each one of them has somebody in their life who pushed and prodded and demanded and provoked and expected. We know little about how the brain functions. Is it not possible that the reason people are moved to access their gifts and pursue being the very best is because someone is pushing them? Greatness then may be, in part, a response to the tenacity of someone who thinks we are capable of that and more.

What makes us so reluctant to be tough as nails with those we love? Do we think they are not capable of greatness and not worth the investment? Do we think that higher and higher expectations are going to damage them or scare them away? Is it our own fear and insecurity that prevents us from demanding the best from ourselves and others? Is it that nobody ever pushed us? Laziness? Not wanting to do the hard work of holding them accountable? Not really believing greatness is possible? Or, one of the better rationalizations: you have to balance the toughness with nurturing as if they were on opposite ends of the continuum. It just could be though that all of us are capable of fantastic achievement if only someone would believe enough to push us to realize our full potential. Maybe toughness is nurturing if it gets me to where I need to be.

What power we have. A couple of weeks ago I was in the grocery store. I wasn’t eavesdropping but I couldn’t help myself as I’m always on the lookout for unique parent-child interactions. There was a father and his daughter, who was probably about 8 years-old. She was looking at him intently as he had knelt down to be at the same level, eyes fixed. His voice was quiet but firm. He wasn’t lecturing her but it was not a suggestion. He said, “I want you to learn to be more aware of what is going on around you.” She nodded knowingly and he stood up and they continued their shopping… Three days ago I was at a truck stop having a cup of coffee. Across from me was a father and his son, who later told me he was 11 years-old. I asked them where they were going and the boy told me they were headed for California. He was on a cross country trip with his dad to deliver a truckload and pick up another. I gathered this was a summer ritual for them. During the conversation, dad said something I thought was fascinating. He said, “I am teaching my son about the code.” I must have looked puzzled because he continued on to tell me that it was “the unspoken and invisible code that makes the world work. If you know about it, it helps. If you don’t, you are always a step behind.”

Fathers add something irreplaceable to the mix. Their absence, in most cases, is devastating to their children. Some of the teenagers and young adults I work with each day are among those who are “fatherless”. Despite their anger and confusion about the perceived abandonment, most of them long for a relationship and have some understanding of what they have lost or never had. There is emptiness in their psyche that cannot be easily filled. So Dads, search your souls. For those fathers who are absent or alienated, there will be opportunities and you need to seize those moments and act in a way that is in the best interests of your kids. For those who are there but not there, life is shorter than you think. Your kids need all of you. For those Dads who are fully present, Rock on. It positively changes the course of your children’s lives every single day.

In response to Tuesday’s blog about the Indiana couple who sent their 5 year-old to school with a tape recorder, I have gotten a number of emails. It’s running about 2 to 1 in my favor with many agreeing that the actions of the parents were unacceptable. (We all agree that the behavior of the teacher was despicable). I have appreciated many of those who disagree when they present a well thought out argument. But then there are the whiners. Their only argument is that “people are always blaming the parents” and it sounds like a Saturday Night Live skit. It is manipulation right out of the kids’ playbook and it is lame. If we can’t be critical of ourselves and how we are doing as parents then how do we ever get better. Without self-examination and some real soul-searching it would seem that we are doomed to repeat old patterns and not even know it. That is a recipe for eventual crisis where our failed solutions become the problem.

The Indiana couple allowed the press to put their story into the public domain. They got their fifteen minutes of fame. But then I have the right to comment on and criticize both their actions and more importantly their months of inaction. It is the whiners with their weird logic who put forth the position that parents can never be criticized because apparently we can do no wrong. What are they hiding? Let’s all practice our parenting in secret and then no one will ever know. Let’s never get any feedback, never search out better ways to raise our kids and for sure never solicit any constructive criticism. Seems about right.

These parents don’t deserve a pat on the back, they deserve to be grounded. The New Albany, Indiana couple who sent their 5 year-old to school with a tape recorder received praise and positive press for their actions. The reality is that they are cowards and it is shameful that no one called them on it. It’s nice for parents to support each other but are we really that far gone that we don’t have the courage to say this is bad parenting when it’s bad parenting? Who are we protecting?

The 5 year-old had complained to his mother and stepfather for “months” that his teacher was mean to him. What allegedly was caught on tape was appalling and the teacher should face heavy-duty disciplinary action. But what about the responsibility of his parents? They could have believed their son the first or second or tenth time he complained. They could have met with the teacher. They could have observed in the classroom. They could have warned the teacher that if any of this was true there would be severe repercussions. They could have met with her supervisor to file a complaint. They did nothing to protect their son or stand up for him. They sent the little boy in “with a wire” and then complained to the press about how the system is broken and how their boy might not heal. And nobody called them on it. That is appalling also.

I need my kids more than they need me… rescuing kids from the consequences of their actions is a loving act… it’s healthy for family members to have more meaningful relationships with inanimate objects than each other… everything is okay because we talked about it… allowing kids to treat me as an equal is a good idea… negotiation is when they get what they want and I pay for it… reasoning with the children when their behavior is completely unreasonable is going to be successful… unconditional means they treat me like crap and I put up with it… after I’ve tried a certain unsuccessful strategy a hundred times the odds go up that it is going to work… the sharing of parenting responsibilities means one parent gets to be the tough one all the time and the other parent gets to raise the kids… having no boundaries at home will allow my child the free expression needed to become fully alive.